Two days ago my sweet girl turned 13 months old, so I guess I should finally write about what's going on with us. Our lives have currently been revolving around Kate's nursing strike. Almost three weeks ago, Kate decided to abruptly stop nursing. She went from nursing six times a day to zero, which is why it is called a strike as opposed to weaning. Babies who wean typically do it gradually and are happy. Babies who go on strike stop nursing abruptly and are unhappy. And boy, have we been experiencing the unhappy. Basically my life has revolved around pumping and dealing with a child that has an extremely low coping threshold and is having trouble sleeping. Oh, the joys!
I have tried everything I can think of to get this girl back on the boob. She refuses, often quite adamantly. I have been told that her nursing strike is lasting longer than is typical (most babies start nursing again after 5-7 days). I was starting to get very cranky myself with having to pump six times a day, so I decided to decrease it down to four and Kate has started getting a little cow's milk to make up the difference. I am starting to lose hope that she will ever nurse again. I am trying to cope with all sorts of very conflicting thoughts about breastfeeding and motherhood. I know that many people only nurse until 1 year, but I had wanted to nurse Kate for longer. If she were weaning gradually, I think I would be much more ok with this. But it has been hard to see my baby so unhappy (though some of this was clearly due to teething --gotta love how everything happens at once!) She clearly wants the milk, but she won't nurse. It is extremely frustrating.
But, I do have to say I feel proud of myself. Kate received the absolute best nutrition for 13 months, and I plan to keep pumping for her and trying to get her to nurse again for a while longer. How much longer? I don't have the slightest idea. We'll see how things go. She seems to be coping better with not nursing, but she still can't cope without her milk. So we'll just have to see. I am becoming much more comfortable with the idea of weaning. I am learning not to judge myself. And I am learning that I am just not in control of everything (ouch, it hurts just to write that). I can't force a toddler to nurse. So really, I'm leaving the decision up to Kate, though I think she may have already made her choice.
But I also feel a little bit bad. We have been having such a hard time with this nursing strike thing that I feel like I failed to see what amazing things this little girl has been doing. Now that I have been giving myself a bit of a break from having to pump so much, I feel like my eyes have been opened up to this gorgeous little girl again.
Here is what I see when I look at 13 month old Baby Kate:
I see a little girl pulling up shirts to try and find bellybuttons.
I see little hands gentling caressing a big, black, furry giant.
I hear her through the monitor, blowing raspberries when she should be sleeping.
I see her little fingers pointing -- to windows, her dolls, and pictures of Jesus.
I hear little words uttered with so much excitement: more! all done! milk! woof!
I watch her as she begins to figure out puzzles and other toys.
I feel little hands clinging to my shirt as she climbs into my arms.
I feel a little head rest on my shoulder as I sing her a goodnight song.
I see her imitating - putting phones to her ear, brushing her teeth and hair, and sticking bows on top of her head.
I watch a naked bum crawl away from me during a diaper change.
I see a little girl, a little girl who is starting to look more and more like me.
And I think, "Oh, the joys!"
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